The Autumn season has nearly come and gone. Weeks flying by as if attached to supersonic jets. The other day, I was thinking back on all the things I said I was going to do when we got back from our trip to Europe, realizing, that after nearly 2 months, I haven’t really accomplished any of them. I feel a bit aloof, which I suppose is normal at this stage in pregnancy. If I’m wrong, tell me (she says to her husband), but I feel very blessed to have kept a pretty level head the majority of my pregnancy thus far.
But in the midst of all that, we have so much to celebrate.
It occurred to me a few days ago that I never concluded the story of our “testing time,” if you will. We were overwhelmingly blessed by people this past summer when things got a little scary. Dylan and I planned for the month of September as if he had a job (because 6 months after graduation, you’d think that would’ve been the case). But God was holding out on us…..for good reason.
This might sound strange to some people, but back in July, I really felt like I was supposed to leave my job. Okay, I should really say, I believe God told me to leave my job. Sure a lot of it was to take some time to rest and prepare for baby, but I truly felt that my desire and almost unrelenting will to take care of my family on my own was stopping up what God wanted to do for Dylan. So, the first of August, I gave my employer a month’s notice and immediately felt a sense of relief…oddly enough. At this time, Dylan didn’t have any promising offers on the table. There was nothing that said, now would be a great time to quit your job, but I just knew I needed to.
Money was already tight living on one income. We had some side jobs that we took on joyfully, but August left me feeling desperate. I had to continually remind myself that God has never let me down. He’s always come through for me, even if only at the last minute. I fought doubt and anger as best I could, practicing faith rather than living in fear. But I’m human, and still struggled (you can read all about it here). The month rolled by and God proved his faithfulness through the generosity of people which I never expected. I remember feeling so loved in those moments, and so seen. I felt cared for, protected and truly overwhelmed.
By the end of August, Dylan was in the final interview process with a company. The more he talked to them, the more this job looked like a perfect fit. But I wasn’t about to get my hopes up. September 1, 2017 was my last day of work. I took a deep breath as I walked out the door that afternoon, knowing that we were absolutely stepping out on 1000% faith. I let it go, and only carried the belief that something good was about to happen…it had to.
The following week, almost as if I should’ve known it would work this way, Dylan was offered a “more than we could’ve asked for or imagined” job with the company I mentioned before. I remember sitting at home getting the phone call from Dylan. I was so nervous that the signal would carry yet another disappointed voice of my husband. But instead, I could almost hear him smiling as he said, “babe…guess what?” And the tears of joy fell. All the strength I kept bottled up in reserve for the worst, every fear and worry seemed to flow out of me in that moment. I was so proud of Dylan, so thankful to God and this company for seeing the value in him.
As I’m retelling this story to you, I’m reminded that this is the attitude I need to take into the next several weeks. I’m halfway between 34 and 35 weeks pregnant today…which is nearing the end of my 8th month. I would be fine to have this baby in two weeks, or I may need to wait another six. But it’s not just the timing of birth, everything about right now is also unknown.
Now only weeks away, we have almost everything we need to get this baby off to a good start at home, but I wonder if it’s enough. It scares me when I don’t feel baby move for a while. I’m nervous about things my body is doing and wonder if it’s normal. Have I played enough music? Have I talked to this child enough? Am I eating enough good things? If I sleep that way, will I mess something up? I’ve grown so attached to this little human and my biggest fear is not being able to meet him or her. Will I be strong enough? Will I know what to do? Will I make the right decisions?
On the front end, I can tell myself, hey! People have been doing this for thousands of years. You have incredible prenatal care. It’s going to be fine. But to get to those deep-rooted, unnerving fears, I have to remind myself that God’s goodness and mercy follow me through everything, no matter what happens. I’m more scared to do this than I have been about anything before, but despite that worry, I’m going to combat those thoughts with truth…he who promised is faithful.
Trust; don’t rely on your understanding. He’s got you. (Proverbs 3:5-6)
Peace is what He provides. (John 14:27)
He Sustains; give Him your worry. (Psalm 55:22)
Surrender; He can take your burdens (Matthew 11:28-30)
He is Close; fear not. (Isaiah 43:1-2)
I know these thoughts are very real and very normal. But I also know that God is just waiting for me to embrace it, take a deep breath and believe it’s all going to work out the way it should because that is who He is. That’s how He’s shown himself in my life, my whole life: faithful.