Day 19. This isn’t as easy as I originally thought. I missed two days of writing for legitimate reasons. But yesterday I missed because I succumbed to the I don’t want to’s. Yesterday could’ve been categorized as a “down day” for me. I woke up feeling down. Everything I looked at seemed to shout at me, you’re not good enough! and nobody cares! The negativity began swarming around me like those Mockingjays in the first Hunger Games book (or film). Even after journaling, it was difficult to shut up those voices and shut down the insecurity.
Yes, comparison has been a huge part of my battle to reclaim creativity. It’s almost as if I need to wear blinders and shut out the world to make any progress. I feel as though I’ve been writing more about being creative than actually being creative. Maybe had I chosen to write parts of a fiction novel and shared those each day I would feel more alive in all of this. My brain would’ve had to churn out a new world, experiences I’ve never had, characters I’ve never met. But I wonder how much good it’s done myself to share my struggles here instead.
In reality, what it all boils down to is where I find my value and my worth. As I noticed all the tender places of insecurity that still exist in my heart, I began to see myself operating in this world from those spaces and not from ones of power and determination. The hosts of this challenge offered writers prompts in case we got stuck. Of course what would Day 18’s prompt be but Discuss 10 things you love about yourself. The annoyance I felt even thinking about writing on such a self-centered topic…can you see my eyes rolling?
But it wasn’t just annoyance. It was legitimate heartache in realizing that I can’t write about that yet. As I’ve written in the past, the opinions of others can’t dictate our reactions and feelings and worth. But me? Myself? She is the worst sort of critic and she has the most power to make or break me. If she doesn’t love me yet, I am stuck. In order to move forward and fight harder, I have to become my own biggest fan.
I’ve come to the conclusion that writing about this process here is great practice for creating cohesive sentences, but it’s not doing anything to jumpstart what I do when I’m away from the screen. In “Braving the Wilderness,” Dr. Brené Brown describes this disconnect that I so feel right now:
I’m doing that thing I do when I’m afraid. I’m floating above my life, watching it and studying it, rather than living it.
Yes, I’ve learned some things expressing my thoughts here about creativity. I’ve learned that there is a process: patience, practice, perseverance then progress. I’ve written on patience and practice, maybe a bit on perseverance. But now it’s time to put those things into action. I am tired of floating above my life only observing. I need to live this out.
I have 11 days to finish this writing challenge, but I’d like to go about it in a different way. I would like to challenge myself to create something each day. Maybe not a polished finished product, but I need to make something. Rather than spit out words here on what I’d like to be doing, I feel it only proper to actually do them. Yes, writing is creative, but not in the way I need to be right now.
If I have the time, I may write about each day here and show what I’ve done. But most likely I’ll return to micro-blogging via Instagram (@bridgetvogel if you care to follow). I’m not giving up. No…that’s not what I want to do here. But what I do want is to practice what I preach. I’m tired of writing about creativity and not joining my fellow artists actually making art. I’m glad this has frustrated me and caused a reevaluation because I think It’s sparking something new and fresh and hopeful in me.
I want to live it and then write about it, not the other way around.
Read the Intro Post: A Journey of 31 Days