Well, I succeeded at writing a few blogs, but definitely not 31 of them. You know what, I can’t feel bad about it. I accept that I failed and I’ll try again! (And probably not call it failure)
In the final day of my twenties, I honestly admit I know nothing. I have learned a lot, but find I’m still on the search for answers. I don’t understand the way the world works, the why behind some of what I believe, or what makes certain food SOOO good to eat, but SOOO bad for me.
I don’t know why certain prayers aren’t answered and others are. I’d like to understand why I have to do jobs I hate when I really believe everyone should have the opportunity to do what they love. Maybe I still live in a world where I want my dreams to come true and there should be no reason they cannot.
I’m married (which I never thought I would be by now) and it is wonderful, but it’s really just a continuation of the same life I had before with a built-in best friend. Well…..okay, maybe a little more exciting 🙈 I’ve learned I can’t be as independent (it’s actually kind of nice to not be), and I’m learning how to share (only child problems 😂). But the fairy tales were a little off. Disney needs to make a movie about what love really is: a choice AND a feeling.
I still get sad when I think about everything I wanted to accomplish by now and compare myself to the thirty year old richies I get to serve at work. I can’t help but being a little mad with myself that I got depressed for a season, that I let it halt my aspirations. I’m dissatisfied with choices I made in the past, wondering what life would look like if I hadn’t been fearful, worried, or concerned with everyone else’s opinion of me. I want the world to look like it did when I was five years old – but stop to wonder what a five year old now sees.
Will thirty really be better? Only if I choose it to be. Only if optimism outweighs pessimism. Only if I choose to be comfortable in this skin and bone shell I reside in. Only if I look at every failure as an opportunity to improve and not a setback or strike-thru on a dream. Only if I work harder to keep my word and not be so flaky like the majority of my peers. Only if I delete regret from my vocabulary.
I hope my thirties are thrilling; a new season of adventure, excitement, endurance, and answers. I will see the world, help and encourage others, and try to be the best version of myself. I aim to be more selfless, more supportive of those around me. I’ll try to believe that the things I want to do and the things I have to do can be synonymous. I want to be comfortable sharing my opinion, knowing that sometimes love is telling the hard truth. I want to know God in the quiet and see him in the absurd. I want to experience greater joy and deeper peace because I can.
I’m not old, but I already feel pretty worn out. However, I know that if I look at this new decade through different lenses, it has all the potential to be the brightest and best next 10 years of my life.
Today I’m going to breathe in the rest of this twenty-something air, do a job I kind of would rather not, come home and try to stay up until midnight, but probably won’t, and finally say “see ya, twenties! I have a better life waiting tomorrow.”
…with a couple of tears, but that’s okay.