Where’s the Melatonin?

It’s nearing 1am and I can’t sleep. This would not be unusual on a normal Thursday night as I would find myself finishing up an evening of shuffleboard matches and cider drinking among favorite Greenville friends with our favorite Greenville Fellow. But alas, I’m in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan with way too much on my mind.

I suppose most of my restless thoughts surround the idea of trust. And more than that, trust in a God that has everything under control. In my blog yesterday I said I wasn’t scared. Good, bad or otherwise, I know God works everything for his ultimate glory. I still believe that, but I wonder why my brain doesn’t get it yet. Instead, my neurons decide to keep firing, which I suppose they still would regardless of my state of consciousness. However, I’d like to romance the idea that they also rest when I’d like to.

It’s the feelings I tried to shut down holding my Gramma’s hand today in the hospital. It’s the idea of loss and love. It’s the girlish hope that a particular boy would start talking to me. It’s the irrational desire to get on a plane and leave everything I know behind to start a new life. It’s the fear of failure and the list-making that might keep me from it. It’s all the planning for what I can’t guarantee. It’s the birth of a poem growing into a song lyric. It’s words I’d like to put on a page.

And in all of this mess, this tangled ball of mental string theories and hypothetical hypochondria (which is nothing but redundancy), God reminds me to cease striving and know that he is…God.

The Word. That became flesh and dwelt among us. That bore all sin and shame and disease and pain and worry and doubt and (you name it) on a cross. He who became sin, that had no sin, so that in Him, I might become righteous. Cease striving. There was nothing I could do at the pinnacle of my conversion but to believe. And now, in these moments of confusion and uncertainty, God leaves me with the same invitation: believe. “Know that I am God.”

– Matthew 6 –

25 I tell you not to worry about your life. Don’t worry about having something to eat, drink, or wear. Isn’t life more than food or clothing? 26 Look at the birds in the sky! They don’t plant or harvest. They don’t even store grain in barns. Yet your Father in heaven takes care of them. Aren’t you worth more than birds?

27 Can worry make you live longer? 28 Why worry about clothes? Look how the wild flowers grow. They don’t work hard to make their clothes. 29 But I tell you that Solomon with all his wealth wasn’t as well clothed as one of them. 30 God gives such beauty to everything that grows in the fields, even though it is here today and thrown into a fire tomorrow. He will surely do even more for you! Why do you have such little faith?

31 Don’t worry and ask yourselves, “Will we have anything to eat? Will we have anything to drink? Will we have any clothes to wear?” 32 Only people who don’t know God are always worrying about such things. Your Father in heaven knows that you need all of these. 33 But more than anything else, put God’s work first and do what he wants. Then the other things will be yours as well.

34 Don’t worry about tomorrow. It will take care of itself. You have enough to worry about today.

And Goodnight.

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