I’ll explain the title later…
I completely snapped today. It was almost as if the final chemical had been added to the beaker and the emotional reaction produced a mushroom cloud of bitterness. It was five parts what God is doing in my heart, three parts situational circumstances, four parts hormones, and one part this specific day. The perfect storm, of course.
I’m not writing this blog to get your pity. I’m not writing to hear Bridget, it will turn around soon. I’m not writing to read comments of sympathetic complements. I simply want to place words together to explain what I feel, and let you know it’s a continual growing process.
I moved to a new city, changed jobs, started new projects, met new friends, played lots of music, lived out of boxes all in the last five weeks. There’s been so much excitement that I haven’t truly taken the time to process all that’s going on. God is truly and completely blowing my mind with His goodness. Please remember that I said that. I feel more at home than I ever have the past three years and for that I’m truly thankful.
And yet, something is missing. In the midst of excitement and amazing people, I’ve never felt depths of loneliness like I have the last two weeks. It began with a realization that I build relationships that cannot last. The majority of my time is spent with male friends. No matter how well we get along, the truth is, I will always just be another dude and nothing more. And most girls sadly bore me…so I never build meaningful friendship with them.
I’m frightened by real relationship. With a guy, I end up heartbroken. With a girl, I just can’t figure it out.
And then we come to this idea of: what am I even doing here? I’ve always felt out of place and solitary. I’ve felt different, a lot like a nomad, never placing roots down. As a follower of Jesus, I should have this by nature that I’m not yet with my Father. This idea of just passing through has really taken hold of my heart. I need to do the most with the short amount of time I’m given here, but lately, I’d rather just head out early.
This world honestly has absolutely nothing for me…and here is where I’m finally forming a diagnosis for my odd feelings. This place offers me nothing, but for some reason, I’m here to give something to it. We all are.
My purpose on this planet for 80-or-so years is not to get the best job, find the best husband, and acquire a lot of stuff. My purpose is to take this life and invest it.
This whole day’s Pity Party was woven with an idea that I’m missing out on something, that I’ve been denied happiness, that something is wrong with me. But those ideas are all lies. I must concern myself with so few things: who Jesus is, how I can be more like Him, How I can love Him, and how I can love more like Him. Great jobs, and husbands, and families, and American Dreams don’t happen for everyone.
I’ve been created for greatness, as we all have. But maybe the path I take for the next 60 years doesn’t involve all the things everyone else defines as “great.” It’s just different. But that doesn’t mean I will have failed. That doesn’t mean I’m any less or any more of a person or influence or world changer. It just means this isn’t my final destination and this isn’t my scale for success.
A guy came to my coffee shop today, waiting on a friend. We offered to get him a beverage while he waited. He declined the offer and one of my fellow baristas asked, “what? You don’t like drinking alone?”
To this he replied, “no, it’s kind of weird, don’t you think?”
Obviously, he was joking. But behind the bar, I began to think, I always drink alone. I go to restaurants by myself, I see movies alone, I even sit at hipster bars and drink a glass of wine without anyone else there of my acquaintance. I have to be okay with loneliness, knowing that it is a constant reminder of how much I long to be with Jesus…full and complete. This season may last 5 more months, 5 more years, or the rest of my life…and, again, I have to be okay with it.
My job is to listen to the Lord and do what He says. And if it’s drinking alone, I will continue to drink alone.
Side note: Donald Miller wrote an INCREDIBLE post today. It really helped me out of my funk, understanding that God does not do things the way we want him to. Give it a chance if this is an area you struggle with:
This song made me cry all day yesterday, but it’s really helping me to align my thoughts with the thoughts of God: