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Growing up sucks.

I just went ahead and said what you’re all thinking. Sure, life provides us moments of excitement with the celebration of certain milestone years: the privilege to drive, the ability to legally gamble or buy toxic sticks of paper, the joys of finding out  that ingesting 21 shots of anything alcoholic is absolutely a bad idea (and NO…that did not happen on my 21st birthday – truth), and the blessing of lower car insurance.

What about after 25? Is there really anything next? I suppose that’s a question I’ve been asking myself a lot lately. Daily, I’m alternating the masks of comedy and tragedy. Please do not misunderstand me: GREAT things are happening right now. I simply want to reflect on the feelings I battle to remain confident the Lord’s plans are good and prosperous.

I wish I understood the human brain a bit more. I find the link between circumstance and emotion absolutely fascinating. How can incredible things be happening in life and yet I choose to focus on the one negative and let it overwhelm me? What is that called? Why does it happen? Is it simply a personality differential? Do naturally optimistic people not have this problem? Is it simply we pessimists that must learn to view the glass half full? And the bigger question: if I have Jesus – the God of all hope, should I even be a pessimist? Man. Gut punch.

The older I get, the more selfish I feel. Maybe my eyes are simply opening to the reality that the world is not about me. It’s not about what I want or even what I can attain. It’s about what I can offer my brother.

I was reading Ephesians 1 this morning and verse 18 really stuck out to me. After looking up several different versions, I settled on the NLT because of its imagery, taking this verse to a new level.

Ephesians 1:18 I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the confident hope he has give to those he called – his holy people who are his rich and glorious inheritance.

I may not see anything good past 25. Right now, all I see is the facts: I’m an unmarried single woman living in a house with another family, barely able to pay off debt and still enjoy life. I don’t want this. HOWEVER, God has given me hope – because he called me before the earth was even formed. In Him is life and life abundant. In Him, I am satisfied. In Him, I’m alive.

The hope is this: He’s opened doors I still can’t understand. He’s allowing me to live a dream without even trying. He is providing for me. He has surrounded me with incredible people. And to top it off, I’m freaking saved from my sin! I mean, I get to spend every single day with God…from here on out. And I want others to see that and want it too.

Lord, continue to flood my heart with light that I might see the confident hope you’ve given. May I not be blinded by circumstance and miss opportunities to give out joy. I want to be a catalyst, not a holding cell.

So what is next? A daily prayer: make me a catalyst for joy.

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