I’m back in the upstate, spending some quiet time in my favorite little coffee shop overlooking the river. It’s a little piece of Spokane nestled in the northwest part of South Carolina. In my two years as an east coast transplant, I never could have imagined what is taking place in my life right now. I don’t deserve any of it. God is overwhelming me to the point of tears with His goodness and mercy and grace and love and peace. In fact, I’m wrecked. Where I saw shortcomings, God saw perfection. Where I saw mistakes, God saw redemption. Where I saw despair, God saw hope. Humbled, in awe, and smitten with Jesus, I write to you today.
Over the last couple of weeks, the small pieces of this enormously large puzzle are beginning to be fitted together. Especially in the area of purpose. He illuminated passages about dwelling and abiding in Him. I’ve been reminded of what it means to persevere. Humbled, God brought to mind the importance of His calling and the greatness of His dreams versus our own. Finally, I’m remembering what it is to be passionate for a God who loves me so deeply. After last night, there is nothing I want more than Him.
This weekend I have an opportunity I’m still completely blown away by. I’ve been asked to hang out and lead with the band up at New Spring’s main campus in Anderson. To be honest, the emotions I felt when I was first invited were of complete inadequacy. I think it’s sometimes our human nature to look at certain situations and say I will never…..but then God steps in and says, I Am greater than your self-imposed inferiority. We are capable because He made us so. Apart from Him, we are nothing. We are “butt dust” as someone I knew so wisely said.
I think today I’m absolutely overcome with the magnitude of God and how nothing on this earth can come close to who He is. This morning, I read through the book of Ecclesiastes. If you don’t know, it’s the reflection of a man who had everything this world could offer him and found that it was all meaningless. With each word, I thought about everything I’ve tried to add to my life to make it feel like it was worth something. Come to find out, all of those things either hurt me or disappointed me or confused me to the point of hatred. The author says himself, after working so hard for pleasures of this world, “So I hated life, for the work which had been done under the sun was grievous to me; because everything is futility and striving after wind.” (Ecc 2:17)
The only thing that I’ve ever come back to and felt fulfilled by is God. I think about my desires for a career in music, my hopes and dreams to be married to an incredible man, my longing for a family – all of which are good things – but none of them will ever fulfill me completely. I’ve been near tears since last night and all morning dwelling on the absolute privilege it is to be on this journey with God. Privilege is a horrible word. It’s an honor. A blessing. An undeserved prize to know Jesus intimately. And I feel like I can only see the tip of the iceberg. Spouses, careers, money, recognition, family, even religion all fail us. A relationship with God never will. There is no one else for me. None but Jesus.
I want to leave you with this scripture. Read it, soak it in, let God speak to you. Try and grasp that He alone is all that we need.
My soul, wait in silence for God only, for my hope is from Him.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
My stronghold; I shall not be shaken
On God my salvation and my glory rest;
The rock of my strength, my refuge is in God.
Trust in Him at all times, O people.
Pour out your heart before Him;
God is a refuge for us.