Feelers

It’s been quite a week since coming back from my visit to Washington.  It’s weird…I had to back up and delete the word “home” and replace it with “back from my visit” because it’s still odd for me to call Charleston “home.”  I guess I’ve come to realize that “home” is where my life is right now.

Since coming back, all the motivation and determination to actualize the purpose for moving 3000 miles across the country has turned to dusty thoughts I placed back on a shelf when reality smacked me in the face.  My intentions for moving to Charleston nearly two years ago were not necessarily the plans God had for my life.  This whole music dream was almost like a nice night crawler to lure me to the hook which would eventually drag me into a boat of relocation.  He often does things differently than our expectations would like Him to.

I came “home” to a lot of hurt.  Whether it was reality or realization of things I missed or wished I could still have in life doesn’t matter.  What matters is God was pushing me to the edge of myself yet again.  The pain kept rising to the surface until I felt like I wanted to vomit it up.  Dissolved dreams, relationships I will never have, rejection, anger, loneliness, fear – there it was, staring me in the face, waiting for me to either run or stare right back into its beady eyes as a sign I’d finally dominated it.  I did neither.  I lost my composure and cried.

Reflecting on her own dealings with depression, my good friend told me the only way she could describe how she felt was that everything inside hurt.  All the feelers were screaming with pain and there was nothing she could do about it.  In that moment I knew what that was like.  In that moment, I realized this was much deeper than thoughts in my head or my past speaking to my future.  This is a lack of understanding that how I live, love, move, breathe, act, and feel are directly correlated with the kind of relationship I have with a God I still don’t understand.

I don’t really know how to end this post.  I don’t really know when all of this will end and normalcy will find its way back into my life.  But my goal in all of this is to get back to the source of all joy, all happiness, all confidence: God.  I need Him…and the great thing is, He wants me.

Step one: be in love again.

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