The Heart of This Matter

Well friends, I haven’t written you for quite a while.  Not because I haven’t wanted to spew words across a virtual page for you to read, but it seemed all my thoughts were turning out negative.  And this blog is not a place for complaint.

A lot has changed in the past couple of weeks.  I moved out of an apartment and roommate situation I loved and it brought up a whole gamut of uncertain thoughts to fog my vision.  I don’t do well with change.  If you’ve followed this blog long enough, you know I’m always battling to feel secure in the midst of storms.  My mom tells me I need to go back and read my own writing when I get down and confused about where I’m at.  Because one thing always proves to be true: God is faithful through it all.

Since leaving Washington, I’ve been unstable.  I’ve been down in many valleys and traversed rocky mountainsides. I feel like I’ve been so far from God, and yet always knew he was right beside me. I’ve missed the comfort of a church I gave my life to; I’ve missed the feeling of being in love with my savior.  I’ve missed having that deep assurance that everything would be okay.  I’ve missed the level of faith I had.  Over the last 18 months, I’ve been stripped of all of that…but I’ve found that God is still as real as he ever was.

Every day presents its bounty of decisions and opportunity for failure.  On too many occasions, I’ve eaten of that feast.  But God is also waiting at his table asking me to sit down to dinner with him. He wants to talk over those decisions and help find a way to not choose the “failure” option.  Over the past couple of days, I started to realize how I like to find replacements for everything.  I’m looking for stability, but not looking to the One thing that never changes.  I replace a big dream with a more attainable solution; I replace good friendships for temporarily exciting ones; I replace the wisdom of God for the fallible wisdom of certain men.  All the time, God is sitting right beside me, probably killing time, seeing what everyone’s up to on Twitter, waiting for me to actually turn to him for permanent answers. 

It’s in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone.  Ephesians 1:11-12 (msg)

I honestly still can’t wrap my mind around how much he loves you and me. I can’t entirely understand why he cares so much, but the truth is that he does. He cares about each of our hearts, each of our lives, each of our paths.  I want to live in that knowledge every day.  He knows me better than I even know myself; he loves me more than anyone else ever could. He sees my life from the beginning to the end.

He probably won’t invite me to the planning meetings to lay out the who, what, where, when, why’s and how’s of this life.  He does, however, invite me to get to know his heart. He invites me to understand him so I can understand why he might tell me to randomly move somewhere, or talk to someone I don’t know, to give up a relationship I hope for, or lay down a dream I have.  His ways are higher than mine and no matter what happens, I have to remember it’s in him that I find out who I am and what I live for.


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