I have a lot on my mind.
Twenty-five began, as many years often do, with excitement and anticipation. Like with anything new and untainted, it’s easy to dive in with the best intentions. However, after a few moments, you come up for air, treading water in an ocean of questions and decisions. I thought I knew where I was going, but I’m stopped dead in my tracks with no desire to pursue any direction at all.
Right now, I’m a five-year old girl with curly pig tails, dressed in a jumper, carrying her favorite stuffed bear, trying to find her way. You see, earlier, this little girl saw a rainbow and decided to leave her front yard in pursuit of a pot of gold. All the stories led her to believe she’d find it. After walking down a dirt road, leading her far away from the comfort of familiarity, she tripped and fell on a big rock she didn’t see. Her jumper was dirty. Then she started to get hungry. As the sun set on the day, this little unassuming girl, happened upon a fork in the road she walked. She was tired, and dirty, and alone, so she sat down and cried. She didn’t know which road to take. She wanted to find the gold, but was that what she wanted to give her life for?
I’m sitting at that fork, crying.
The quest immobilized me. I know what I have to do, but I’m afraid of letting everyone down. I think the little girl wants to find the gold to prove she could do it, even though the gold doesn’t really matter…because, in reality, it doesn’t even exist. I have a brave heart, but an unwillingness to follow through. The moment I say “I’m done” is the moment I want to keep looking. But the more I look, the more exhausted I become, and then I want to quit again. It causes me to wonder if I’m searching for the right thing. If I truly believed there was gold at the end of that rainbow, I wouldn’t stop until I found it, believable or not. This says to me, I don’t even believe it’s there to begin with. I might tell people I believe, but in truth, I don’t have confidence in its existence.
I’m not talking about God or my faith or anything. This is purely about destiny. That gold is an expectation, a false hope…chasing after the wind, if you will. I feel like I’m in pursuit of something entirely pointless. But the journey…the journey has been most educational.
Can I be honest with you all? The road to the left will take me to the pot of gold, but not without losing more and more of myself in the process. I will no longer be who I am, still chasing after something that fades every time you get close to it. The right road, however, is a very familiar one. It’s one I’ve walked before. While I don’t even know what’s at the end of it, I have more peace looking down that road than I do the left. The right road will take me to the rainbow – the promise. If I don’t take the left, I will disappoint most of you. If I don’t take the right, I will disappoint myself.
Instead of choosing, I just sit here. I’m too afraid to decide and too afraid to disappoint, too exhausted and overwhelmed to take another step in any direction. But when I do, no doubt you’ll hear about it.
And that is my dulcet prattle for the day.