Decisions, Decisions

Over the past few days, I’ve really been pondering life…again.  I know 🙂

It seems to me that I lost touch with what was important.  I forgot about the good, lovely, pure and right to think on.  My frustrations and selfish ambitions diluted the reality before me and kept me from seeing my destiny.  Could I be on the wrong track?  Unfortunately, getting anywhere  in life means that often times, one gives up their whole identity and sense of purpose.  We forget why we started and make excuses for placing our own life at the forefront.  In truth, I matter no more and no less than the next person.

We all know the British people just celebrated with Prince William and Kate Middleton as they exchanged vows and became husband and wife last friday.  In fact, nearly 2 billion people from all over the world watched anxiously as they said “I do.”  One of the pastors at my church, Mrs. Stephanie Jones, spoke on Sunday.  She is from England and was definitely excited about the wedding.  I loved seeing her sense of pride in her country as she prepared for the celebration.  Stephanie shared that Kate, being a commoner, would never be one to fall into such a life.  In fact, her mother was born in a part of town we would call the projects.  She was inferior by hierarchical terms, and yet she was chosen by a prince, the future King of England.

The whole message yesterday revolved around what we give up to be a Christian; to walk in the destiny set before us.  Kate Middleton, as Stephanie put it, will no longer be able to dress the way she wants, talk the way she wants, do the things she really wants to do.  She will be under scrutiny all the time; always watched.  But she chose this life.  She wanted William.  I found myself questioning what I would do in that situation.  I’m so independent and want my own way, but isn’t it in every woman’s heart (generally speaking) to want to surrender to a provider, a protector, a lover?

All of this goes to say, I haven’t.  I feel like I keep making excuses for selfishly pursuing my own life.  Don’t get me wrong: I don’t doubt that God had a huge plan in me moving here.  I don’t doubt that He gave me talents and dreams for a reason.  However, those ambitions have become idols.  As Stephanie also said, anything that takes us down a path other than the one God is leading us toward is an idol.  Sure these things might be good, but they are not Him.

I don’t see people anymore.  I don’t see their hurt very often.  I miss the pain on their faces.  Mostly, I’ve lost the passion and zeal I once had to see lives changed.  I’ve been changed by the world, contrary to what I set out to do in changing it.  Therefore, something has to shift back.  In so many ways, I feel like I’ve given up so much, but only for myself.  What have I given up for God?  What have I given up to know Him better, to see what He wants me to see?  Not a whole lot.  Not my dreams, or my goals, or my sleep, or my fear.

Fame takes control.  I’ve seen few who survive it and come out victorious.  I’m resolved that I don’t want it.  Sure I can say that now, but it’s just too much pressure to do things contrary to the heart of God.  He is the one who lifts up and who tears down.  Whether or not I walk down that road, I have to continually ask myself, would I give it up willingly?  Would I give up the kind of songs I want to sing, the kind of clothes I want to wear?  Will I give up my independence and the things I want to speak?  Will I give up everything I want to do in this life simply because I want a King?

Decisions, decisions.

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