This past weekend has been mind boggling, in a sense. I mean, I kind of expected some sort of shift in my heart, but I’m definitely to the point where I’d really just like a flashing neon sign to help me figure out what to do next.
I’ve been trying to keep up with my college group back home reading five chapters in the Bible every day. It hasn’t been easy. However, after watching The Book of Eli (finally), I realized that I should really have more regard for this “book” than I do. As I’ve been reading, I find the pages littered with supposed saints who were nothing but screw-ups God chose to use to add to the story. It’s kind of cool because I know how much I screw up. We’ve exalted these people to the ultimate in righteousness, just shy of being God, when really, they were SO human just like you, just like me.
I guess I’ve been trying to understand what God wants from me. Or rather, what I’ve been giving to God and how much more I might be willing to let go of. I have some pretty massive dreams. Sitting in a venue watching some friends of mine live theirs doesn’t really help with not wanting to think big. But I sit here questioning whether or not my dream is glorifying God.
Right now, I feel like I’m standing at a fork in the road. One direction is the one I’m headed and the other is going back to what I’ve had prophetic words about. Did I miss something? Guys like Abraham and Moses have reminded me of what happens when we try and jump the gun on figuring everything out. God never told them the entire plan. In fact, most of the time, they heard the plan and then tried to take it into their own hands. They ended up backtracking, in a sense, because they didn’t just trust.
Here’s the deal, I know I’m so far from home for a reason…but I fear that reason is nothing what any of us expected. I’m afraid of letting you all down if I don’t make this music thing happen. I’m most afraid of getting so consumed in perfection that I lose sight of God’s purpose for the gift in the first place. In fact, part of me is ready to be done. I don’t want to try and work through the disappointment…I just want to throw in the towel and move home. There it is. Honestly, I don’t even know if I should be pursuing this road. Can I still be a light in the darkness without the darkness overwhelming me in the process?
Let me tell you, this life isn’t easy and I’m not even anywhere “in” it yet. I just know a lot of people who are and I find myself wondering if I even want it. Do I want to put up with the critique and the back-stabbing, the hurt and the drama? No. I just want to be in the presence of God, leading people there. BUT…and this is a big but…I don’t know if that’s what the plan is. I know that sounds so weird, but really, life isn’t meant to be easy. God might be calling me to put up with all the shit (excuse my language) because He has something bigger in mind: hearts.
That’s what it always comes back to.
I want to show His love to people inside and outside the four walls. I want to write songs for people who don’t know God and still minister to those who do. So maybe I’ve answered my own question. The good and easier way isn’t always the way we’re supposed to take. And I’m not sitting here trying to make excuses for myself – please, if you’re feeling something different as you read this, let me know. It’s just that my heart’s desire is to do the will of God…and I’m freaked out because I don’t know what that is.
No neon sign yet.
So I might be stepping back for a while to get closer to His heart and hear what He wants me to do next. I will gladly walk either path. Both are narrow. The bigger deal is for me not to make either one happen on my own. He obviously has a plan; I obviously have to trust.
And that’s that.