Let me just say it’s been an emotional 36 hours…for a lot of reasons. Right now I’m reminded of Pastor Monie Lotze back home, suggesing we all get hats that say “shift happens”
(with the obvious play on words) because it’s life.
I’m going to be very honest: today I’ve been depressed. And I don’t say that to get pity from you. I’m sharing that because I have to remind you & myself that there is a very real force out there fighting for our lives and our dreams…fighting to take them away. After spending nearly an hour in tears questioning my sanity, I started working on a new song. It literally felt like the darkest clouds you’ve ever seen moved in over my head. But I was in a boat in the middle of the lake without paddles, without anyone to help me. The winds began to blow & I heard thunder rumbling. But all I could do was sit in worry & fear…well, I thought that was all I could do.
I’m still so bound to the opinion of others. I’m hurt by false perceptions and judgments. I realized I’m actually really angry, but at the same time, I feel to blame. And rejection began to whisper I made a mistake. Rejection said I was stupid for moving 3000 miles from home to pursue a dream. Rejection told me to give up before anyone could hurt me again…and I was ready to. It’s a fight even right now to prove it otherwise.
This song is going to talk about the grace in the midst of the hurricane…because we all need it. However that all begins with trust and I think trust comes with forgiveness. I’m reading this book called “TrueFaced” and came across this story:
“…in the middle of our misery, Jesus taps us on the shoulder and says, ‘I have something for you that cost me everything to get for you. Here, it’s My gift of grace for you.’ Written across the gift is one word: forgiveness. The attached reads: ‘Take it, apply it, and trust Me to make it real. I love you. Jesus.'”
The authors go on to describe how mysterious this thing called forgiveness is. It can take two souls who wanted to kill each other and somehow make it go away and even knit their hearts in love. Crazy, right?
He forgave me for all the sin I have and will commit. So why won’t I forgive myself and forgive my brothers? And I also have to understand how to receive that forgiveness from God and from my brother so I can forgive myself. Does this make sense?
This storm of judgment is over my head but it’s not from God. He’s using it to ask me if I will look past it…and despite what my brother thinks or what I think about “me”, God says it holds no weight. Because it is only His opinion that matters. His grace is wrapped in forgiveness. I have to get through the outside, I have to get that into my head, so I can both receive and give the gift myself.
It’s a process, my friends. This doesn’t happen over night. Much of it goes deeper than now. But we all get here at some point. And it’s a good reminder that I’m not the only one. So whatever storm you find yourself in today, know that God’s grace will allow you to make it through. Remember that grace means forgiveness and forgiveness ultimately means trust.
Every little thing is gonna be alright…