How many times have you heard your mom or dad, doctor or dentist say that phrase to you? I don’t ever remember having positive thoughts when it was brought up. Seriously, just tell me it’s going to suck for a week and I’m going to have to press through the pain…that the healing process might stink and fester, but yeah, I guess in all truth, it will get better. Our parents and practitioners don’t give this much detail because we would run away. We wouldn’t let mom clean the cut, or let the doctor take our blood or reset the bone. Who really enjoys pain? Okay…there are some, but that just creeps me out.
Anyway, this week has been crappy. Let’s just be honest. I slipped from my joy and trust. I let go of the truth and started taking control, which in turn brought me to worry and doubt. Saaaweet. No.
I guess this was a blessing in disguise, to use a profound cliche, as it set me on the path I’m currently walking. I have some issues! Don’t we all?
This past weekend, I got to have a good discussion with a friend whom I can now call friend. I didn’t realize how much I loved talking about what God was doing in my friends’ lives until I stopped doing it (and subsequently started again). To hear him talk about finding joy in every day, finding the beauty of the moment even in the difficult times, brought me to see that I was selfish. I was missing the adventure worrying about what I couldn’t control. So why did I become so self-consumed so quickly? Because I have trust issues. Plain and simple. And why do I have trust issues? Because I haven’t allowed God full access to that dad-shaped wound in my heart. (See Bigger the Better or Smile for a little back-history & clarification)
The Big Guy has made it quite apparent that He’s using my distance from home and feelings of loneliness to bring me to a point of submission. I mean, He’s not going to force me into this process of fully healing (although He wants me healed), but I’ve danced around the subject long enough that He’s pressing the issue a bit harder. Tyler gave me the book Father Fiction by Donald Miller and it really set the stage for the process to begin. It’s a book I feel every person in my generation needs to read. Whether we like to admit it or not, most of us have acquired father wounds, not because our dads wanted to hurt us intentionally, but because they grew up in an era where their fathers didn’t really know how to be good dads…and their dads didn’t. It’s a nasty cycle. I’m not blaming anyone; rather I’ve come to terms that it’s the unfortunate nature of a fallen world.
I have two more books to study through and scripture is highlighting more things no book could show me: things only the Spirit can know and advise me on. And like I said, it sucks. My soul doesn’t want to admit that I’ve lost control, but I have to lose control to experience true freedom. I have to find out who I really am because my lack of certainty in this area is reflected in my friendships, in my music, in my confidence, and in my vision. The success of my future as a wife, as a mom, for generations to come, hinges on what I let God do right now…so its not something I can again just take lightly.
But in the grand scheme of things, it really will only hurt for a minute…what is a few months, or even a couple of years in the span of a lifetime? And what is my life in the span of eternity? Crazy to think about…it’s just a little poke to change history.