I told myself I’d get to sleep early tonight…and yet here I am writing. Whatever. The late night/early morning combo is not making my body very happy with me and so I persist to feed my gluttony for punishment. Oh and did I mention I’m moving?
So here we are, kids. The closer it gets, the more rapidly my heart starts beating, the faster the days fly past me. 11 days till mom and I hit the road for the east coast. 11 days till I leave my security. 11 days to decide if I’m going to do this alone or trust God. I spent this last weekend developing ulcers, unable to eat, unable to sleep…I mean, I had fun, but the anxiety gnawed at my insides despite the joyous occasions. Can I be honest with you? I’m freaking out. This move doesn’t even make any sense anymore…and yet I keep getting confirmation that it’s time to keep moving forward.
Have you ever seen one of those cartoons where one character puts his shoulder into his opponent, trying to push him off the cliff…but the other digs his heels into the dirt, trying his best to stop the inevitable? Yeah…I’m digging my heels in; God’s driving His shoulder into my back. This whole weekend, people were asking me about the move and I didn’t really know what to tell them anymore. It makes absolutely NO rational sense, but here I go. I feel like an idiot for taking such a crazy step (yeah total Chris Farley moment in my head right there).
“Our comfort zones keep us from new experiences, new romances, and new opportunities. Continue to test your zone by going one step beyond your yesterday.” -Unknown
And I guess that’s why I have to jump. It’s been almost 8 months in the making: from the time God first started working on my heart, to the conversations that came shortly after, to the ups and downs of logistical matters, to the absolute faith it’s going to take to just go…to now: 11 days till reality slaps me in the face. So is it God? Is it me? Will I quit when it gets too hard? I started crying today (I think this was the time later in the day…) when I tried to explain to my Oma why I was going…and I couldn’t really tell her. Because I want to leave and I don’t all at the same time. However, regarding that quote, I know if I don’t jump (like God specifically told me to months ago), I will never know what He could’ve done. A few things I’m certain of: God is big, God has given me a gift and I have to use it, and this whole crazy adventure is not just about me.
Britt Nichole’s “Walk on the Water” has been my theme song, and Peter’s account getting out of the boat my theme story. I randomly picked up a book called If You Want to Walk on Water, You’ve Got to Get Out of the Boat. Every morning, the encouragement in my email box says not to turn back in this season because God is preparing for destiny. I think He’s trying to tell me something…but I can’t see it, so I’m scared.
“…don’t you turn around and miss out on everything that you were made for…” – Walk on the Water
Where did the time go? As I stare into the face of 11 days, the face of mom, dad, Oma, Alex, Lisa…countless friends, my church family, I just want more time…but I don’t have it. And yeah, it feels like part of me is dying and maybe it is; maybe it’s supposed to. And to be honest, I can’t do all I want to or spend all the time I want to with the people I love…I just have to hope that the times we had together will be enough (though they will really never be).
I’m not sure how to finish this up as I’m feeling tears begin to splash down my cheeks and just want to swallow the impending sadness that seems to linger…it’s not yet time for goodbye, so that really won’t suffice. I don’t know…where did the time go? About 30 minutes went here.