I’m still stuck on the love of the Lord…and more so what it is just to be loved by Him with no strings attached. I was able to worship in church for the first time in a very long time today and I finally felt it. Often, I warn myself that it’s not about feeling, but I am now starting to believe that can be the case in some instances. I just know that today we were singing a Jesus Culture song called “How He Loves” and I felt this weighty giddiness, almost. I just couldn’t stop smiling because I felt that I was literally blanketed with the love of the Lord. It was the coolest thing I’ve experienced in a very long while.
You see, over the last couple of days, God is still digging even deeper to remove this slave mentality from me. But I figured out the root. Reading this book, The Prodigal God, has also played a huge role in the revelation…but I’m going to dare to be vulnerable again as I feel this testimony may help someone else today.
Many people talk about “father wounds” as if they are all the same. Now, let me start off by saying I love my dad dearly, and yet I know that there are many things that have happened to affect who I am today. Much of it was out of his control because he wasn’t really loved like he should have been. A couple of days ago, however, I realized that this has affected how I relate to God. Because I didn’t really have the idea that I had to be perfect for my dad, but I discovered that, in order to get my dad’s attention I had to do important stuff.
We spent time together when I would make my yearly trips to see him – do big things: camping vacations, concerts, biking, etc. When I moved back here, however that stuff stopped. And then I would really only spend time with my dad when he came to a play I was in, if there was a choir concert or a school event I was part of. I found that as I grew up, there was always someone else to see when I wanted to, say, just have lunch with him…but he would try his best to make it to a show if he could. I think this began to convince me that I had to do things BIG to gain his love and attention.
And so here I am now with God, thinking that in order to gain His love and attention, I have to go all out. I have to work hard to make Him notice me. I have to put on big prayer and worship events to have His presence, rather than believing I can move heaven in the quiet of my room. I plan big benefit concerts to raise money, rather than believing He is going to place it on the hearts of His children to fund this trip to Kenya. I think that I have to prove myself as the perfect woman: make myself beautiful, assert my authority, overemphasize my intelligence, prove I’m worth His love…and any other man’s love for that matter.
You see, I quickly got over whether or not my dad came to these big events because it never filled the void. What hurt me the most is that I just wanted to spend quality time having lunch with my daddy…and I never felt worth his time just to do that. So when I think about the Lord loving me, or a man loving me, I know that I mask my feelings, letting them know I can be successful and make big things happen…but all I really want is to sit down and have a cup of coffee.
Bigger is not better with God…thankfully He sees past this and wants to restore me to His original intention…to be a girl who is content with being His daughter – who can walk in all confidence knowing that she is in her Father’s love despite the circumstances. This Father who desires to get to know His kid over breakfast. And I know that one day, there will be a man who won’t care about the amazing things I do, trying to get his attention, but who will just want to sit down and have a cup of coffee with me.