As some of you may or may not know, I am wrapping up a 40 day journey into spiritual wilderness. What an eye-opening experience. I can’t really call it fun, but lessons I’ve learned along the way will stick with me for the rest of my life. And so I return to blogging, in hopes of capturing my thoughts to somehow explain what happened in this desert of my life.
If I could sum up the journey, I would say that I was a lost, prideful, lonely slave to my surroundings, yet unaware of my condition. Early on, God delivered me from the snares of the Egypt called home, but I found myself lost in silence. I came to one of the lowest parts in my life, realizing that I had nothing to offer…my dreams were stripped from me. A future I thought I had was slaughtered, left along with the rest of my former home. It was during this time when I found I was truly dust.
It became a season of repeated ups and downs…as I walked around the mountains, often falling, often turning back to the only One I knew would listen…even if I couldn’t hear Him. About halfway through, I came to the end of myself. There on my knees, tears pouring from my eyes, I told God I couldn’t do it. I didn’t see any hope and turning back would be easier than struggling through the wasteland. But my spirit told me to press on. Past the hurt and fear, God started uncovering things I thought were lost. He revealed how He would build me up as His tabernacle – a carrier of His presence. And for a short time, I felt revived.
Only in the last week have I started to come alive again. I feel I have a future to look forward to, though I don’t even know the next step to take. Basically, trust is the operative word. Today, however, I came to a stark realization that, while I have left Egypt, the Egypt has not left me. I still come to God as a slave instead of as His child. This will be a process long after the journey is done. It is safe to say that I am still in the desert…for I have not yet “made it” to the promised land.
And so the journey continues. I pray that this next season, God will give me revelation on how to be His kid…revelation I can share with you. Living so long in bondage means I have to submit every part of my past thinking to Him…and allow Him to renew my mind. Because I cannot have true faith if I still come to my Father like His indentured servant. Here I would say, I still have so much to learn. But I think God would have me say, there is a journey ahead where I have more opportunity to walk with God and seek His face.
This season opened my eyes to see that I don’t have to labor for His love and provision, protection and grace. I simply have to be.
From the deserts of life,