It seems that every time I am getting to an amazing place with the Lord, I find myself distracted by things of the world. I don’t like blaming the enemy for my slip-ups, but he often plays a part…I just am not yet smart enough to avoid the darts. I have, however, noticed a pattern. God has been stirring some awesome things in my heart, leading me back down the path of impossible possibility. I love that place because I’m a dreamer – I see big things and I love coming to the realization that I cannot accomplish them on my own, but God sure can. Anyway, I get to these points and what pops in my head? The annoying truth that I’m lonely. There is always someone who finds their way into my mind and captures my heart, taking me away from fully pursuing the Lord…as I’m too busy praying about another.
I ended up writing a friend of mine, explaining that God has called us to be satisfied in Him in our singleness. I said that I hated Paul for saying that…for urging people to deny that desire because he obviously never understood. I’m finding out more and more, however, that this is a precious season of life. Never again will I be alone, will I be without children, will I get to go when He says go, or do this when He says to. I mean, maybe if I remain single for my entire life. But…this is a time to be thankful for – when all is quiet 😉 he he. No, but seriously. God tells us to not fret about tomorrow for tomorrow will take care of itself. And in Psalm 40, David says, “How blessed is the man who has made the Lord his trust.”
I tell you what, I have not made God my ultimate trust. I’ve trusted in myself, in feelings, in emotions – in my heart (which is deceitful and entirely wicked – gosh that’s so harsh). But it is. That’s all our soul and it needs to be tamed by the spirit. I constantly have to tell my spirit to rise up, and tell my soul to submit to my spirit. It’s this silly little battle with self that is actually the hardest. I like going to bat against mean ‘ol spiritual buggers, but when I have to combat my soul – holy hannah, watch out. I’m usually down for the count with one hit.
But God is so good. He knows all this about us. In Psalm 139 (one of my favorite chapters in the Bible, by the way), David says that God searches us and knows us. He understands every thought we have, and knows our plans before we do. The cool thing is that He’s totally aware that I struggle against this thing, and though I don’t entirely trust Him with it, He’s willing to work with me. I know that I have to eventually get something right! It’s only in Him that I will be completely satisfied; only in Him will I find my fullness of joy. That’s not going to come from a man – we are so human. And my husband won’t find any kind of fullness in me. We have to come to this place where we know that our everything comes from God. It is then that I believe God will say, “okay, kid. Now, here’s the one I’ve created for you to complement the qualities I’ve placed in you and the gifts I’ve given you to use.”
We can’t be mistaken that we will be complete in a mate. That will only be realized in our Father. Only in Him will we be able to learn the love that waits, the love that is kind, the love that does not envy or puff itself up. Only in Him will we understand the love that isn’t proud or rude or self-seeking, the love that doesn’t keep record of wrongs (which I hear is super useful in marriage). This love that withstands the hard things, believes for the big things, and sticks it out through it all. He never fails us. When I believe that I can have every single attribute of this love in Him, I will need nothing else. A man, a friend, or anyone else will only be a wonderful addition to the mix, but if it falls away, I will still be complete in Him.
So patiently I wait, realizing that God and I have a lot to work on. Patiently, I can wait to see when my Father introduces me to the special guy He made just for me. Because I want to be ready to endure the hard things and have joy in the good things; to be a great wife and an amazing mother; to love with the love of God in all circumstances.
And you know what?…suddenly I feel better about where I’m at.