A lot has changed in the past couple of weeks.  I moved out of an apartment and roommate situation I loved and it brought up a whole gamut of uncertain thoughts to fog my vision.  I don’t do well with change.  If you’ve followed this blog long enough, you know I’m always battling to feel secure in the midst of storms.  My mom tells me I need to go back and read my own writing when I get down and confused about where I’m at.  Because one thing always proves to be true: God is faithful through it all.

Since leaving Washington, I’ve been unstable.  I’ve been down in many valleys and traversed rocky mountainsides. I feel like I’ve been so far from God, and yet always knew he was right beside me. I’ve missed the comfort of a church I gave my life to; I’ve missed the feeling of being in love with my savior.  I’ve missed having that deep assurance that everything would be okay.  I’ve missed the level of faith I had.  Over the last 18 months, I’ve been stripped of all of that…but I’ve found that God is still as real as he ever was.

Every day presents its bounty of decisions and opportunity for failure.  On too many occasions, I’ve eaten of that feast.  But God is also waiting at his table asking me to sit down to dinner with him. He wants to talk over those decisions and help find a way to not choose the “failure” option.  Over the past couple of days, I started to realize how I like to find replacements for everything.  I’m looking for stability, but not looking to the One thing that never changes.  I replace a big dream with a more attainable solution; I replace good friendships for temporarily exciting ones; I replace the wisdom of God for the fallible wisdom of certain men.  All the time, God is sitting right beside me, probably killing time, seeing what everyone’s up to on Twitter, waiting for me to actually turn to him for permanent answers. 

It’s in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone.  Ephesians 1:11-12 (msg)

I honestly still can’t wrap my mind around how much he loves you and me. I can’t entirely understand why he cares so much, but the truth is that he does. He cares about each of our hearts, each of our lives, each of our paths.  I want to live in that knowledge every day.  He knows me better than I even know myself; he loves me more than anyone else ever could. He sees my life from the beginning to the end.

He probably won’t invite me to the planning meetings to lay out the who, what, where, when, why’s and how’s of this life.  He does, however, invite me to get to know his heart. He invites me to understand him so I can understand why he might tell me to randomly move somewhere, or talk to someone I don’t know, to give up a relationship I hope for, or lay down a dream I have.  His ways are higher than mine and no matter what happens, I have to remember it’s in him that I find out who I am and what I live for.

A lot has changed in the past couple of weeks.  I moved out of an apartment and roommate situation I loved and it brought up a whole gamut of uncertain thoughts to fog my vision.  I don’t do well with change.  If you’ve followed this blog long enough, you know I’m always battling to feel secure in the midst of storms.  My mom tells me I need to go back and read my own writing when I get down and confused about where I’m at.  Because one thing always proves to be true: God is faithful through it all.

Since leaving Washington, I’ve been unstable.  I’ve been down in many valleys and traversed rocky mountainsides. I feel like I’ve been so far from God, and yet always knew he was right beside me. I’ve missed the comfort of a church I gave my life to; I’ve missed the feeling of being in love with my savior.  I’ve missed having that deep assurance that everything would be okay.  I’ve missed the level of faith I had.  Over the last 18 months, I’ve been stripped of all of that…but I’ve found that God is still as real as he ever was.

Every day presents its bounty of decisions and opportunity for failure.  On too many occasions, I’ve eaten of that feast.  But God is also waiting at his table asking me to sit down to dinner with him. He wants to talk over those decisions and help find a way to not choose the “failure” option.  Over the past couple of days, I started to realize how I like to find replacements for everything.  I’m looking for stability, but not looking to the One thing that never changes.  I replace a big dream with a more attainable solution; I replace good friendships for temporarily exciting ones; I replace the wisdom of God for the fallible wisdom of certain men.  All the time, God is sitting right beside me, probably killing time, seeing what everyone’s up to on Twitter, waiting for me to actually turn to him for permanent answers. 

It’s in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone.  Ephesians 1:11-12 (msg)

I honestly still can’t wrap my mind around how much he loves you and me. I can’t entirely understand why he cares so much, but the truth is that he does. He cares about each of our hearts, each of our lives, each of our paths.  I want to live in that knowledge every day.  He knows me better than I even know myself; he loves me more than anyone else ever could. He sees my life from the beginning to the end.

He probably won’t invite me to the planning meetings to lay out the who, what, where, when, why’s and how’s of this life.  He does, however, invite me to get to know his heart. He invites me to understand him so I can understand why he might tell me to randomly move somewhere, or talk to someone I don’t know, to give up a relationship I hope for, or lay down a dream I have.  His ways are higher than mine and no matter what happens, I have to remember it’s in him that I find out who I am and what I live for.

Step 1: rinse almonds and bring to a boil. Reduce to soak.

Step 2: rinse again

Step 3: remove outer skins

Step 4: place in a 400 degree oven for 20 minutes. Reduce temp to 300 for another 30-45minutes, stirring to roast

Thanks a lot, Emerald, for ruining perfectly good almonds with horrible chemicals…but inspiring me to fix your mistakes in a healthier way.

Yet so much like (I think) parents find out, you learn as you go. So, ready or not, here it comes. She is here and God has a plan for her. I may not see that plan, but it’s okay. Like everything in life, we only see this moment; nothing is guaranteed to happen tomorrow.

If you’d like a digital copy of “The Shakedown” EP, check it out on iTunes TODAY!!!

Also, my friend (and the woman responsible for creating these beautiful images for the record), posted a blog about our photo session. Please be sure to check out Susan Lloyd Photography and the story of that day!

Finally, I’ll be opening up for the fantastic Luke Cunningham on December 30th – he has been such a support and encouragement to me, so I hope you can make it out to our show. His record Heart Pressure released November 29th, and we are going to party like rock stars for his release show…well, maybe not like real rock stars. Be sure to snag Heart Pressure at the iTunes store while you’re there to pick up The Shakedown!

Blessings ya’ll.

Today was Thanksgiving.  I know there’s a lot of controversy regarding what really happened at that first feast, but today, American’s mark this day as a time to share a good meal with family and friends, remembering what is important in life.  Leave it to Americans to forget what we even started.

The company I work for never sleeps.  We are open 365 days per year.  Let me first say, I am thankful to have a job.  The current state of our nation is one where stability comes in doses.  However, the day big business began to think the seven-day work week would expand profitability of the American Dream became the demise of the dream itself.  Maybe it became the demise of the pursuers of the dream.  No rest.  It’s when our dads started working weekends and our moms had to take second jobs to make ends meet.  It birthed TV dinners and delivery pizza.  It grew fast food drive-thru’s and 24 hour WalMarts.  The desire for more wealth took away our time.  We wanted more money and yet we spent our lives.

I had to work today, and while most of my customers showed sympathy for those of us stuck serving holiday beverages, others seemed to expect our service.  And if any of them truly felt bad about it, they wouldn’t be purchasing our libations, right?  I understand that not every American celebrates holidays like Christmas, but why can’t every business in America let their employees and customers stop for a moment and remember the roots of our existence as a nation?

After dinner with my mom and her husband’s family, I drove home noticing people looking in the windows of Wallgreens,  and driving past grocery stores to see if they were open.  I couldn’t help thinking, who have we become?  We have a sense of entitlement that everything should be at our fingertips when we want it.  We don’t think about the people who got to leave work for a few hours to spend with family before they had to come back and serve you again.  We don’t think about those who don’t get weekends off, those who have to work three jobs…we just want coffee! Now!

America, you are dying.  How ironic to notice it on a holiday that was supposed to define our values as a nation.

…and now, at 10pm on Thanksgiving, some stores are opening for you to continue investing in what means the most in life to Americans.  We may as well stop celebrating Thanksgiving and make Black Friday a national holiday.  No one wants to spend time with their families, anyway.  It would be a better representation of who we’ve become.

My first day of running, I went down to a popular trail situated next to a small creek.  It’s a bit hilly, but rarely curves or has places hidden from view.  That day, the run was not too difficult.  I saw others exercising and I found encouragement sharing in…their pain.  Haha   Today, on the other hand, I decided to run in my own neighborhood.  No one else was around and I had to choose which street I would turn down, which sometimes interrupted my flow.  The run wasn’t more difficult (I was doing the same thing I had before), but the environment made it a bit more challenging to finish.

A few years back, when I first wrote this crazy marathon idea on my bucket list, I’d been meditating on Philippians 3:12-14.  I thought, what does it look like to press on toward a goal even when one doesn’t feel like it?  How can I learn this skill?  I had to come to terms with myself, and am still trying to embrace the reality, that I like to give up before I see any results.  Distractions dissuade me from caring enough to press on.

When I run the straight path, I can see what’s ahead.  I’m learning that running is easier when I don’t look at my feet.  When I look forward, whether or not I can see the finish, per say, I’m much more relaxed and able to move forward.  When I surround myself with others who are chasing after goals, I’m encouraged to finish.  However, if I run a path of uncertainty, I lose sight of the goal.  I try and make up my own way which only makes the challenge more difficult.  Yes, I may end up where I intended to go, but I’ve done it on my own.

You know, God has a path set for each of us.  For lack of a better, less Christianese term, the straight and narrow may look less exciting, but by taking that path, I know I will get to where I need to be.  Running in my neighborhood, I came in contact with a lot more cars, a lot more blind spots.  The creek path, however, was a pedestrian, cycling path.  It doesn’t mean challenges won’t present themselves on that path, it just means we are more apt to get where we’re going with the protection of the rules of that road.

I definitely have not come to truly embrace and understand all that God spoke to me through this experience thus far.  I’m not perfect, and I’m still running on the uncertain road.  However, I have to get to the point where I keep pressing on, forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead.  It’s daily submission, daily repentance, and a big giant heart change.  It’s wanting Him more than my own life…my own will…my own desires…my own way.  It’s killing my flesh daily.  And most days, I don’t want to.  It’s the tug-of-war between temporary life and eternal love.

One mile at a time, one day at a time: I still have much to learn.

So I say, go occupy yer mom. We did this to ourselves.

This week, God showed me another picture. My last blog was a lovely little representation of my subconscious stuck at a fork in the road. My decision seemed to be one direction or another…because I most certainly did not want to go home.

As I was praying, though, God brought me back to the little girl, too afraid to move, and a new path appeared. This path, however, was not paved. In fact, it wasn’t even gravel. In the tall grass between the two defined roads were mere footsteps. The Lord began to show me that my path is one less traveled. Many have taken the right and many have taken the left, but few have forged this way.
It was such a powerful picture…and a mind bending concept. I can only tell where to begin because of a few patches of trampled grass where I can only assume others have walked, but after that, I have to search for the next step. It won’t be laid out in front of me. It won’t be definite. I will have to learn my way.

Surprisingly, I’ve been told this for years. I’m stubborn; what can I say. I won’t get it until I see it for myself.

Another revelation I had is my vision is also just a baby and I expect her to walk already. You can’t force progress. People with my personality type will understand the frustration of knowing what could be, but expecting too much from what is. God is slowing me down. No, a two month old can’t walk. But one day, you look at your child and she’s crawling, and the next she takes her first step. It is a process, but God can also do the unexpected. Sometimes, we have to live to be surprised.

So it looks like I might need to grab a backpack and some extra water…maybe a first aid kit and some dried apricots. Looks like God didn’t want me to hitch a ride; I have to hike this one.

Oh and snakes…something for those darn snakes…………

Twenty-five began, as many years often do, with excitement and anticipation.  Like with anything new and untainted, it’s easy to dive in with the best intentions.  However, after a few moments, you come up for air, treading water in an ocean of questions and decisions.  I thought I knew where I was going, but I’m stopped dead in my tracks with no desire to pursue any direction at all. 

Right now, I’m a five-year old girl with curly pig tails, dressed in a jumper, carrying her favorite stuffed bear, trying to find her way.  You see, earlier, this little girl saw a rainbow and decided to leave her front yard in pursuit of a pot of gold.  All the stories led her to believe she’d find it.  After walking down a dirt road, leading her far away from the comfort of familiarity, she tripped and fell on a big rock she didn’t see.  Her jumper was dirty.  Then she started to get hungry.  As the sun set on the day, this little unassuming girl, happened upon a fork in the road she walked.  She was tired, and dirty, and alone, so she sat down and cried.  She didn’t know which road to take.  She wanted to find the gold, but was that what she wanted to give her life for?

I’m sitting at that fork, crying.

The quest immobilized me.  I know what I have to do, but I’m afraid of letting everyone down.  I think the little girl wants to find the gold to prove she could do it, even though the gold doesn’t really matter…because, in reality, it doesn’t even exist.  I have a brave heart, but an unwillingness to follow through.  The moment I say “I’m done” is the moment I want to keep looking.  But the more I look, the more exhausted I become, and then I want to quit again.  It causes me to wonder if I’m searching for the right thing.  If I truly believed there was gold at the end of that rainbow, I wouldn’t stop until I found it, believable or not.  This says to me, I don’t even believe it’s there to begin with.  I might tell people I believe, but in truth, I don’t have confidence in its existence.

I’m not talking about God or my faith or anything. This is purely about destiny.  That gold is an expectation, a false hope…chasing after the wind, if you will.  I feel like I’m in pursuit of something entirely pointless.  But the journey…the journey has been most educational.

Can I be honest with you all?  The road to the left will take me to the pot of gold, but not without losing more and more of myself in the process.  I will no longer be who I am, still chasing after something that fades every time you get close to it.  The right road, however, is a very familiar one.  It’s one I’ve walked before.  While I don’t even know what’s at the end of it, I have more peace looking down that road than I do the left.  The right road will take me to the rainbow – the promise.  If I don’t take the left, I will disappoint most of you.  If I don’t take the right, I will disappoint myself.

Instead of choosing, I just sit here.  I’m too afraid to decide and too afraid to disappoint, too exhausted and overwhelmed to take another step in any direction.  But when I do, no doubt you’ll hear about it.

And that is my dulcet prattle for the day.

Thanks for your love, best wishes & support.

B